Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Circumference of a Thought on Becoming a Daughter

   This past week I have become a daughter once again. Becoming a daughter is a soul searching endeavor and never happens calmly, when one becomes a daughter one is thrown from where one stands to where one will stand forever more in relation to your own Mother. I know without a doubt in my mind that my Mother is the Best-Mother-Ever-In-The-Whole-World and I say this with not a hint of sarcasm. I love, respect, adore and strive to be more like my Mother. Yet I am me and my own life steers me in a different way than her life did, and this is life, and it is good, though sometimes I wish I just had her blueprint so I could just copy what she did and not have to make or think about hard decisions of my own.
   I became a daughter this last week once again, my Mother had to go to the hospital and I, living 8 hours away, could not go visit or help her but she called wanting me to be there with her to help her and give her strength. This is a way of being a daughter I never thought about. My Mother is strength defined. But here in this moment she wanted me to be the strength, it made me sad to not be able to be there for her, I could be there on the phone but that is worlds away when you want someone there. When I was in labor with my third my Mother could not come because my Sisters baby was due at the same time and we both agreed that my mom needed to be there for her first, but that did not help me from feeling so alone  A Mother is something all daughters need when they are in labor. So I could relate in a way to her need for me to be there there yet knowing that I could not be there and by the time I would have gotten there the real need would have passed and she would be home.
   It made me think of Becoming a daughter in this way, of caring for your mother as time passes and in a sense you become Mother to your Mother who will always be your Mother. It makes me feel old but in a good way, a way that says in no words that she could that as my blueprint and hers cross and unfold we sketch in new lines, throw away old models and yet we see the beauty in each others lives and love and appreciate one anothers choices. So at times I need my Mother and at times she will need me.

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